Before There Were Oxfam Shops
by Biancaneve
Summary: Completely non-serious oneshot - deleted scene from the end of the season 2 finale. On arrival back at the camp, Much decides to do some spring cleaning, and we explore what the departing characters left behind them... Jokingly implied Will/Allan.


**Before There Were Oxfam Shops**

_  
End of season 2 finale. The remnants of the gang, still slightly sunburnt, are back at the outlaws' camp. Much is determined to look on the bright side._

**Much** _(rummaging around in a corner):_Well, at least there'll be a bit more wardrobe space around here from now on!

_The others, all sitting despondently around the camp, don't react._  
**  
Much: **I mean, honestly, for someone who's all about being "one of the lads", she doesn't half have a lot of clothes! Why on earth does anyone need this many identical purple shirts?

**John **_(sighs):_You know why. In case we have to switch clothes with a guard and can't get the old set back.

**Much:** Yes, but how often is that really likely to happen? There are eight of them! And nine, ten, _(runs out of fingers) _at LEAST eleven of these black vests!

**Allan **_(sounds tired, as if his heart's not really in it): _Woudn't expect you to recognise one o'them, mate... But they're not actually vests.

**Much: **What?

**Allan:** Never quite had the heart to tell her that...

**Much: **Well, they're going!

**John:** Don't throw them out. It's a waste. Give them to-

**Much:** Yes, yes, the poor, we know. _(pauses to think) _Hey, now that Will's gone, does this mean you get to be the one to constantly remind us about the poor starving peasants?

**John: **Maybe. What's it to you?

**Allan: **That's going to be well weird. You talking more.

**Much **_(pulling out a stripey pyjama-esque ensemble):_ Ugh. Nettlestone can have these. Pigs.

**Allan** _(perking up as Much adds a pretty yellow dress to the pile):_ Hey, let me know who you give that to, will you? I always fancied getting under that one...

**Much:** Oh God. It never stops does it? Every single woman on the ship on the way back, including-

**Allan: **Much, shut up!

**Much: **Fifi Leroux, the drag act in the cabaret bar!

**Allan: **I was drunk, all right?

**Much **_(starts singing):_ Non, je ne regrette rien...

**Robin **_(finally snapping out of his stupor):_ Be quiet, the pair of you! Hey, that's Marian's!

_Much is holding a red hat._

**Allan** _(sheepish): _Oh, yeah... Djaq gave me a fiver to nick that off her and hide it.

**Robin: **What?!  
**  
Allan: **I dunno... Something about "Friends don't let friends...", then I tuned out.

**Robin:** Give it to me!

_He clutches the hat possessively to his chest. Much is about to open his mouth, but John shakes his head: leave it. _

**Much: **Right, that's the last of it.

_He crosses the camp, picks up a bag, returns to the corner where he's been working and begins unpacking._

**Allan: **Oi! Who says you get Djaq's drawer?

**Much:** Well I didn't see anyone else offering to clean it out. Besides, my new sarongs have to go somewhere!

**Allan: **But I don't even have a drawer anymore! _(gestures)_ Djaq turned it into a sprouting tray for her bloody alfalfa...

**Much** _(sarcastic):_ Oh, excuse me, but I think you'll find you forfeited your closet rights when you started wearing black leather!

**Allan **_(stands up, getting aggressive): _That's it! One more word about that and-

**Much **_(yelling too):_ Just come swanning back and expect us all to -

**John** _(pulling them off each other): _SHUT UP!

_Silence._

**John:** Much gets Djaq's drawer. Allan, you take Will's.

**Allan **_(sullen):_ Fine.

_He opens another drawer, and pulls a face. Pause. _

**Allan:** Okay, I'm not being funny, but I've spent six months living with the Sheriff, and that is still the mingingest sight I've ever seen.

**John:** He's a teenage boy. What d'you expect?

**Much** _(peers over Allan's shoulder):_ Are those socks?

**Allan: **Maybe. Once.

**Much: **Can we give them to Nettlestone?

**John: **I think one outbreak of the pestilence is enough for this year, thank you.

_Allan begins pulling fossilised dirty clothes out of the drawer. _

**Allan** _(nostalgically, holding what looks like a baseball hat): _The skaterboy phase... Thank god that's over.

**Much **_(sigh):_ He never really learnt to wear the right size trousers, though, did he?

**Allan** _(holding up something that looks like a mascara wand): _What's this then?

**Much: **The mercifully short-lived emo period. Be grateful you missed that one.

**John **_(growls) :_ That Fool was a bad influence.

**Allan: **Oi! These are mine... _(he's holding a pair of ye olde CK briefs...)_

**Much:** Maybe he's got some the same.

**Allan:** Nah, he wears boxers. _(The others look at him suspiciously.) _Oh, come on, we lived with the bloke for two years! As if you didn't-

_Much sniggers. Allan pulls out another pair._

**Allan:** And these! These are my lucky ones! I've never not pulled when I had these on! That little toerag, he knew I was looking for them!

**John:** Poor Will.

**Much: **And there we thought he'd finally got lucky... I suppose we should have known the pigeons weren't his first choice.

**Allan: **Shut up.

**John:** You never know. He might come back one day.

**Much **_(picking up Djaq's yellow dress again): _Tell you what, I'll save this for you, shall I?

**Allan: **I said shut it!

_The others walk away. Much is humming._

**Much **_(undertone):_ Non, je ne regrette rien!

_End credits roll. . _


End file.
